Recently, two 'gentlemen' on LinkedIn joined the discussion, commenting on one of my posts. Both were immediately critical, one mentioning my use of curse words, the other pointing out a small grammar mistake while making one himself. Talk about a conversation killer. Who wants to continue talking to someone who criticizes you from the start?
Meeting someone for the first time is always just a bit awkward for everyone involved. You don't know anything about the person, so it's normal not to know what to talk about. And while some people have the natural skill for gab, many others don't know whether to get started when first meeting someone.
But it isn't that hard to get started talking is having these tips in your toolbag.
How to Start a Conversation
I'm a bit of a talker and can get into a discussion anywhere. In the grocery store line, I'll ask people about the items they are carrying that I haven't tried. I compliment someone on their style. Or even comment on a bit of conversation, I happened to overhear.
Getting a conversation started is easy when you start by keeping the conversation light and on easy topics. Go with something you noticed or mention something about the location, venue, or event you're both at. If you can't think of anything else, the weather or traffic is also an excellent fallback that opens the door to more talk. Or tell a story!
Avoid things that are overly controversial or cause people to feel uncomfortable and not to want to continue the discussion. Save the hard topics for later. It will go over better and make it easier to get the person before you dive in.
To help get your conversation started, I've included a few topics to get you started in both the real and online world, as well as ones to avoid.
10 Quick and Easy Conversation Starter Topics
With any discussion topic, some are better than others for different situations. Which means you'll need to assess the situation and choose the best one for the situation. These ten are pretty safe in most situations.
- Introduce yourself - include something interesting about yourself that people won't think to ask, makes for a great icebreaker.
- The weather - the old classic and comfortable standby.
- Discuss the event, venue, or location you're both at.
- Food is usually an easy topic for most people since we all eat.
- Something you saw they posted or commented about online.
- A quick compliment about something they did or said that you liked (keep sex, hooking up, or anything of those out of the conversation. After all, you just met.).
- Something interesting from a recent book or article you've read.
- Talk about professions or hobbies.
- A recent event - do avoid politics, religion, and heavy topics. Save those for once you know the person better.
- Plans for the weekend.
Sports and jokes can also work, but know your audience because they can also be huge no-no's as well.
10 Conversation Topics to Avoid
Want to kill a conversation faster than you if let out a loud fart in a crowd? Use or do one of these ten things straight off when meeting new people (unless you're at an appropriate venue).
- Skip the politics or religion talk.
- Avoid talking about looks, sex, or hooking up (unless it's the dating scene).
- Don't gossip and talking shit about other people.
- Avoid being critical.
- Don't be the grammar police correcting speech or writing.
- Skip 'correcting' someone else's thoughts and opinions. Everyone is entitled to have both even if they don't match yours.
- Avoid asking someone how much money they make with their job (most situations, some scenarios this might be okay).
- Don't talk about yourself the whole time; show interest in the other person.
- Skip the condensing remarks.
- Don't lecture.
Talking to Members of the Opposite Sex
My advice for talking to members of the opposite gender. If it's something you wouldn't say to someone of your own gender, you probably shouldn't say it. Of course, this rule doesn't apply if you're in the dating scene. And it can also change once you've gotten to know someone. But for beginning conversation and most professional ones, using this rule is a great way to go.
As Ben van Beurden from Shell Corporations points out 'we also need to create the right culture and environment, one where people are aware of the impact of their words and actions. Even small conversations that are biased - consciously or unconsciously - can undermine people's confidence.'ย
Online vs. Real World Conversation
Want to know what someone is really like and thinks? Talk to them online.
People online generally talk more openly and with fewer filters than they do in the real world. It's because of the protection being behind a screen offers them and not being in a physical location. You'll see some real asses come out online, saying things they would never say to someone's face.
My advice is: if you won't say it in the real world, it's not okay to say in online conversations. Not being in person, does not give you rights to be any less courteous or to use fewer manners. Be who you are both online and off.
Setting Boundaries in Conversations
Don't be afraid to speak up if someone says something that makes you feel uncomfortable. Setting boundaries early in the relationship is a great way to have a continued good experience.
Being polite or letting things slide to avoid a scene isn't going to get you anyway. Instead, you'll be left feeling less than uncomfortable and the other person continues doing the thing that bothered you.
Communicate. People can't know what you don't tell them.
Example of How Not to be a Conversation Killer
Remember the comments from the two 'gentlemen' I mentioned at the start? It's a prime example of how to be a conversation killer. Both started the discussion with things from the avoid list.
The first made a comment on my cursing, which is a normal part of my language. The second decided he was going to be the grammar police and yet made his own mistakes (can someone say complete ass!).
It also popped into my head, would either of these two men have made these same comments to another man? Especially since they 'ganged up' on the same thread which also feels slightly threatening and mob mentality like.
Either way, these types of comments are the perfect example of how to kill a conversation.
Ending the Conversation
It's easy not to be a conversation killer when first meeting people by sticking to topics that aren't threatening and are easy to respond to. The hardest part can be starting the discussion itself which is also easily remedied by taking a deep breath and diving in.
Don't let your fear stand in the way. And don't be one person in the real world and someone different in the online one. When you're just you in either place, it's much easier to feel and be confident that you'll get it right.
And if you still feel like you need a bit of help, I do 1:1 coaching.
